I am a sinner. I have been since childhood. I was rebellious with an independent streak growing up. I ran away from home several times. I eventually turned to drugs, heavy drugs and I mocked God. I laughed at those who said they were Christians. I mocked them and told them they were fools. I also tried to commit suicide two times and thought about it often.
This was my earlier years. I also confess that several years ago I acknowledged my sinful life and surrendered to God, and accepted Jesus Christ as my savior I was faithful to God and was growing closer to Him, but then as my career changed and my lifestyle changed, I surrendered myself to more worldly things. Materialism became my new god. The seeking of living the good life with more stuff and a return to some of my former sinful activities. I rebelled against God and I rejected Him outrightly. I told Him it was a mistake believing Him. The thing was, I was still talking to God, so I was lying to myself, and God did not give up. He was patient, very very patient. I still do not quite understand why, but I am thankful He was. I had some darker moods and periods, and I would often cry out to God for help, but still I tried to reject Him.
In the past few years, I have seen family members die and close friends die. I was sad to see them leave. It did not seem right for them to leave so soon. Oh well, I just pressed on. I started feeling a pulling back to God. It increased more and more. I resisted. He pulled harder. This may seem strange, but last year I was watching a video I found on You Tube called The Chosen. I started watching it. I was captivated. It was about Jesus Christ walk and His disciples. It was at this point where I gave up resisting. I got it. I returned to God and I repented for my behavior over the years. He forgave me. He had never stopped loving me, and He understood. I was a sinner, and even though I repented, I would continue to sin. Now I understand Paul’s frustration with sin in Romans 7.
17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.
18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.
19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.
20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me.
22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law.
23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.
24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?
25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.
I feel so great now, having stopped resisting God’s love, and returning to Him and enjoying the walk of living in Christ. However, now I have a new struggle and I find myself resisting God in another way.
I have made the mistake of telling God my desire to serve Him more, and for Him to show me how. I have told God that I want to serve Him with humility, and I wanted to do His will. He said, okay, this is what I want you to do. I have asked Him for another option, He has said no. My mother often said I was a very stubborn child. I usually just said I was very determined. I still am.
I am concerned for my country, and God is as well. I am concerned that there are strong influences that are pulling our leaders, and many of us away from God. We used to be a nation that allowed God into our schools and into our activities. Now I am seeing people protest when they are asked to say the pledge of allegiance because they do not want to share allegiance to our country, and certainly not to God. We see protests to the national anthem, and this is being endorsed by the media and many corporations. We pride ourselves on our diversity, but we do not want to talk about our faith.
I am concerned about people’s souls, and how the influences are pulling everyone more and more away from God. I am afraid we are no longer a nation under God. I am reminded how in the old testament of the Bible, God would use His prophets to warn his chosen nation, Israel, to repent from following false idols and evil ways. I am reminded that when the leaders and the people of Israel chose to ignore the prophets, that Israel was destroyed, and the people were scattered across other nations. I am concerned that many of God’s chosen people, those who have accepted His gift of salvation, are where I was years ago…. rejecting God, and in a life of complacency. I am concerned that even many of our churches are misleading people.
I am a sinner. I keep coming back to that. A sinner saved by the blood of the lamb which is Jesus Christ on the cross. I am fearful of assuming something is God’s will, and it is not. I admit, I am fearful of the rejection I may get from many of my family members and friends if I share what I believe God is telling me. I am also fearful though, of disobeying God. I will just end with this from I John 1 .
5 This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.
6 If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth.
7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.
8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.
9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
10 If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.
